Just a few quickies...

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that
2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.




Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?All he wanted to do was
eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars
go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows
his head.When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and
carries on fishing.His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the
nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were
married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .""stuff that" says
Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"The operator says how do you
know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!




I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.They said they regretted to inform
me that they're not actually a dating agency.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she
was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot
of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and
the other is an instruction.



Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years
after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. She said is
that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Sophie Ellis-Bextor was found dead inside a french footballer's flat this morning. Police have confirmed it is a case of murder on Zidane's floor.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants. The bartender says " hey! Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out the front of your pants?" the pirate looks at him and says " ARRRR!!! It's drivin me nuts!!!"