Costa Concordia sinking

They've started rolling in...

Q. How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?

A. On the rocks

Q. What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?

A. Leeks

Q. What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?

A. Follow the captain

Q. What did the captain say when asked if he knew where he was going?

A. "Off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.
That's more than can be said for his ship.

The captain says he is not guilty of manslaughter.
He has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in
Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

and finally...

Q. What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken
cruise liner Costa Concordia?

A. Nothing - The bottom's dropped out of both.

While hiking along the white cliffs of Dover yesterday I noticed a
Terrorist slip from the cliffs and fall into the English
Channel .

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been
carrying. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Brit, and abiding by the law of the land that requires
you to help those in distress, I informed Kent Police and the
Home Office.

It is now 09:45 the following day., he has drowned, and neither authority
has yet responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

Did you hear that they've now exonerated the captain of the Italian cruise
ship on medical grounds? Apparently he suffers from premature evacuation..

Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space
shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of
the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed
into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
the control console, snapped the engineer's chair back- rest in two, and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a
bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for
suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo, "Defrost the chicken."

Cheers

Beautiful!

This is a wonderful, thought-provoking, one minute clip

You may have seen this before, but some things are worth seeing again.

It's not what you say, but how you say it.

Full of wisdom. . . . and very brief.

It's not a joke, it's not religious, it's not political.

It's just . . . special. I think you'll agree.

Please enjoy this one minute clip; it is truly special. It has a meaning
for all of us.

www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Hzgzim5m7oU&vq=medium

A mate of mine quit the Aussie Armed Forces and just started his own
business in Kandahar.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
Business is good.
He says prophets are going through the roof.

Subject: GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous.
Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent
cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them
from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go
under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that
time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the
snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him
to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on
the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's
when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on
a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it
was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake
rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband
in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying
on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake
had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey,
and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the
leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and,
as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and
raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were
halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires,
put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city
block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

A bloke goes to the doctor and says: "Doc, I've got a lettuce stuck up my bum". The doctor has a feel about and says: "I'm sorry sir, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

---

There's a little boy who loves tractors. On his 10th birthday, his mother gives him a trip to a tractor fair, but he gets badly injured, leading to a lengthy stay in hospital. He says he's never going near tractors again.
Years later, he's in a bar when he catches the eye of a beautiful young lady. She's crying, and he asks her what her trouble is.
She replies: " It's all the smoke."
He thinks: 'What can I do to make this better?' He then blows, which stops her crying. She asks him how he did it and he says: "Well I'm an ex-tractor fan."

---

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend footballing with the boys and spending all his wages.

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.

After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

---

Ben, Pete and Nick went to a car race one day. Unfortunately, a race car crashed through the fence into the spectators and they were killed.

Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they where met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished.

One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."

That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Ben stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on.

Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Ben and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.

Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Pete accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on.

Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained the woman to Pete and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.

Well, Nick was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Nick and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away.

Nick exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

"I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "but I stepped on a duck..."

---

A group of legionnaires strode through the scorching desert.

They hadn't had water for three days and hadn't eaten for a week but they did not crack, and kept marching solidly on. Suddenly one of them froze, "Psssst" said he. His companion halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing.

"Le voila", said he, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon"? And sure enough, there it stood, proudly and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree.

Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object far off. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they were within a stone's throw of the bacon tree.

Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The other legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thudded into the sand around them. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandaged him, they could hear his faint voice -

"Zat was no bacon tree," he gasped, "Zat was an 'am bush."

One day, a long long time ago
there lived a woman who didn't
whinge, whine or nag.
But it was a long long time ago...
and it was only that ONE day!

Yep, been married three times